Trust: Who & Why?

Who do I trust?

 Never given this a good thought but if I really think about it, I don't have ONE that I trust wholeheartedly. I tend to break them all apart in pieces. I've never made a clear deep connection with a single person. 

The pieces that I segment them into:

• Unattached and Random: These are the ones I would meet randomly at various social gatherings or any kind like for picnic, language exchange, drinks, hiking, badminton, or basically anything that does not lead of deeper commitments.
• Met at different points of my life: These are basically friends who knew the version of ME from the past at the point of when they met me. Friends from schools, college, university, work and church. They all met the versions of ME and are not entirely familiar with the whole version of ME.
• Grounded with some commitment: These are basically my extended family like cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and friends who has upgraded to become like distant siblings. They occassionally connect and check-in to remind me that there are people who still care about me even though we do not talk everyday.
• Grew up with and familiar: These are basically my immediate family. Dad, mom, sister and brother. They've seen me through the different phases of my life and they've also played an influential role in ME being ME besides all the external factors of my life. 

Reflecting through the way how I've segment the pieces just shows me that I'm not very committed in building deep relationships with people.

This brings me to the question.....

WHY?

It would have been easy to just pinpoint to a trigger or root cause but humans are just complex beings. I don't intend to highlight the negativity although I've really enjoyed the living as is. Some reasons that I think played a role in shaping this:

• Middle child: Yes, guilty. I'm a middle child. Growing up, I constantly feel the need to keep shinning which became a very good skill to have where I'm able to easily connect and manage various relationships by way of how I'm segmenting them as you can see above. It's also not a negative thing being a middle child. I loved that I've managed to position myself so well in the relationship dynamics in the family that I become like a pillar (so I think I am...).
• The nomad life: As far as I could remember in the early days of my childhood life, we have constantly moved from one place to another. Whether it's from a rented room to another rented room within the same town or simply relocating from one state to the other. Somewhat like living with a suitcase. I enjoyed this life as every move and relocation was like a new adventure for me. It still is. However, I got so used to saying "hello" and "goodbye" that I don't know how to build strong and deep connections. It just feels impossible for me. Whenever someone wants to connect at a deeper level, I automatically retreat and push people away. It's like a defence mechanism that helps me cope with the fact that I know there's a goodbye at the end, so why bother. At least that's what I conciously think this is what it is...

I don't know how long I would go on living my life, just as is or if I should change, just because. There's just no right or wrong in how we live our lives as long as we do not cause harm to others. Then again, I'm recently thinking a lot about the purpose of existing. Something to ponder and write next.